Alone... Never Lonely

"In solitude, the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself." - Laurence Sterne

Being alone is scary. As we grow up, we make a bunch of friends throughout school and some of those friends last with us throughout the rest of our lives. We grow up in a house with our parents, grandparents, siblings, or anything of the sort. Since birth we are surrounded by people in every setting of life. The first sense of true autonomy for most young adults is when they go off to college and leave their home. Even though our parents may still pay for some aspect of our lifestyle, this is where we begin to move on our own accord and make decisions that directly affect us. What happens after graduation is the true test of autonomy many of us aren’t truly prepared for.

My time in college was full of great friends and classmates. Going to club meetings and hanging out in the Commons(cafe). From living on campus the first year to living off campus my last year, I always had roommates. Despite how many people I lived with, there was always someone in the vicinity. Years of living with random people led to me wanting to stay alone just to see what the experience would be like. March 2020 I got my wish…Kind of. The Covid lockdown had begun and my roommates at the time decided to leave and stay home since school was now online. This led to the rest of my sophomore year living mostly alone in this apartment. It was weird but I enjoyed it a little bit. I would hang out with my friends and have guests come over whenever I wanted. I didn’t have a girlfriend at this time, so those lonely days and nights began to compound to be honest with you. I noticed that I would always try to be around people instead of being alone after a while. I’d go to work and then hang with friends on the days I didn’t work. It wasn’t hard because we all lived right in the same student living.

Fast forward, it was my senior year of college and graduation was around the corner. I decided that instead of renting another apartment, I would go the homeowner route. I was 22 at the time and many people around me questioned my decision. “You're young, you sure you want to live alone?”, “You can just get a person you know and stay with them.” My initial thoughts reflected these opinions as I had no experience, therefore lacking confidence in being on my own all the time, for the first time. After graduation, I got the house and have been living alone since. Being alone certainly took a while to get used to. Coming and going with no one to greet, having a two car driveway for one car, and moving about the house as I please, wearing what I please. The good always comes with the bad in everything. So I want to talk about the realities of vibing out solo in your own abode.

Coming out of college and always having roommates, the first obvious aspect of living alone is the fact of being alone the whole time. Personally, I've always been a quiet person so even in company I don't say much. After living alone, I realized it’s possible to go the whole day without saying anything, especially if it's a chill day in the house. After graduating I took a new job where I work remotely most days of the week resulting in even less communication with others. Of course I have my closest friends but becoming adults and having responsibilities makes it harder to link up. The hard part for me specifically is going out and making new friends in the real world. I have no trouble meeting people but being out in public is more of a challenge and I tend to hold myself back for many reasons.That's on me and something I'm actively working on. I have always had some sort of push; be it school, summer camp, or sports that made it easy to meet people and make friends. There’s an abundance of activities the world offers that I could take on and meet new people, it's up to me to begin to put myself out there.

I mentioned that I am blessed to work from home. On my workday, I wake up, get ready and walk across the hall to my office. It’s definitely a great aspect of my life by saving on commute time and I don't feel rushed. Rushing through your morning is how you forget things and feel the most stress before your day even starts. The tranquility of being alone provides endless focus and I can get shit done. When I first started, it was really easy to get distracted with home activities. I could always go clean or see what else I could do around the house. This is where discipline had to be built in creating a work space and kind of forgetting the fact I’m at my house.

That being said, since I spend so much time in my house I always make sure to leave everyday. I go to the gym because it's my opportunity to change my scenery as well as talk to new people. Most interestingly going to the store has new meaning. I take my time strolling through the aisles, examining everything, and pondering my options. You learn to slow down a bit when you move solo. No one is in control of your time but you. I would spend many days running errands. You feel like you spent so much time moving around and when you look at the clock it's only been two hours. When I slowed down during these errands, I noticed that I enjoyed running errands more. I took time to think and act while shopping. Being in line isn't as bad because there's no unnecessary rush, so waiting just feels like waiting instead of being an inconvenience.

I think we learn a lot when we spend time by ourselves. We learn how we think in different situations without the influence of others around us. We have time to rethink an influence we previously had while encountering similar situations. Since we do so many things with others in our life, we fear being alone, even for a short period of time because we can’t handle our own thoughts. The very thing you fear may be the one thing that could bring you joy and clarity. You have room to think about the bad things… but you also have room to think of amazing things. Plenty of times when I’m alone, I won’t listen to music or get on my phone and I just lay on the floor. Yes I lay on my floor... try it before you judge. While on the floor I just be, and I let my mind wonder. I may think of my present problems, I may think of solutions, or I literally will think of some random stuff. This is therapeutic because I let my mind run and release control of my thoughts. Ideas pop up and I feel a sense of joy and a lot of the stress I feel takes a backseat.

It's scary sitting with yourself only because you never learned to do it. Sit, lay, stand alone for ten minutes even five minutes and let your mind do its thing. The more you pause throughout the day and sit with yourself, that fear of solitude ceases to exist. Trust me, I sit alone in silence often and it's been a great feat for my mental health.

A good exercise to follow: whenever you finish an activity or you are moving from one location to another, sit for five minutes and breathe. Sit, think, and be for five minutes and see how it makes you feel. Let me know what it does for you.

-J