Mental Chatter 1

I have been replaying Smino lyrics in my head all morning. ‘I been working so hard. I ain’t even been noticing gains’. This made me think so much about what I’ve been thinking and feeling this past week really. I have been tired and in my feelings about everything(your mind slowly lacks function the less you sleep everyday). This only leads to endless agitation. Everything seemed off with the world. I don't think this often so it was obvious to me that I have been the one that’s been off center. I haven’t been journaling or reading or sleeping. All the things that bring my mind to ease I have evaded for a while now. I think about doing the things I have to do but find something else instead. I take my own means of comfort from myself even if I’ve done everything I said I’d do. I’ve been using the saying “I feel” a lot more even if I’m not speaking about my feelings. My feelings are valid and no one can tell me how I feel, the defensiveness I enact has been so extra lately and I know it’s because I’ve been looking to others to make me feel better. I’ve been holding myself back from the challenges I’d enjoy like meeting more people or lifting heavier weight in the gym. I kept myself from working on my house projects when I know I hate the half jobs that I see. I feel that I have no control of myself. And because of this, I went on a fast until sundown. Everything has been out of control in my mind, not in reality. So to center myself I put myself through deprivation. The kind where you cleanse your body and mind. I’ve satiated my body and overstimulated my mind so much that I’ve felt lazy and emotional. Things that I don’t take personally have been getting under my skin. These thoughts were what guided me to see I am my problem. Feeling fear, unmotivated or lacking self discipline. This is what’s been going on and in reality it’s only been a few days. When you live in your mind and it takes over, days feel like weeks. But I remember that I’m in control. I will grow strong. I will improve myself in efforts to change my world around me. I’ve been undermining myself and treating me wrong, and this spills over to those around me. You are in control. You are blessed and are a major blessing to others. Anyone would be grateful to have you in their life for what you do for others. I must remember I have to do well for myself too. Once you are in your full alignment everything around you will realign. Sleep will be of better quality, thoughts will be positively impactful, and you will have utmost control of yourself. Let things come and go, harboring negative thoughts hurt you and then you hurt others. I remember what it was like being an emotional kid and how people acted around me. In truth no one cares even if they ask. You know how you feel and think. If you don’t do what aligns with what you want, it’s only your fault. Everyday is your day to choose how you want to act and who you want to be. Fuck the spectators and anyone who may be a critic. Your emotions are valid though you don’t need to live in them. Focus on the positive things happening and make more positive come of it. You can’t keep losing your mind when you’re tired or hurt. At your worst you can still be what you need for yourself. You can plant your seeds in your garden and water them. You can’t go to other gardens and plant seeds or water them without permission. Control yourself and everything else will give way. Love yourself.

-J