Love at Last, the Road to Real Love

The Search

My love for reading has been existent since I was able to do so. Reading in itself is therapeutic. I’m able to slow down time around me and enjoy a good book no matter the genre. The real love I have isn’t in the act of reading but in the way that a good story can inspire your imagination. The way words come together to soothe your mind and allow the flow of imagery through you. It’s the breakdown of characters and their personal stories, seeing it align with the overall plot of the book. My love of reading may resonate with your love of movies, food, or athletics. No matter what you love, there is no doubt in your mind that you can engage in that activity for hours on end. Getting to this point seemed pretty effortless, and you kind of just claimed it. What happens when you take this depth of love and pour into yourself? I think even to this day people still have qualms with knowing who they are and what side they stand on when dilemmas arise. Cozy up and let's dive into it.

Struggles of Choosing Yourself

Growing up, I learned to put others before myself as a default. I always loved helping others and seeing that I could aid in them achieving their goal despite its magnitude. This isn’t inherently bad, however it resulted in the loss of myself, followed by shame and resentment. I began to do things that didn’t even give me the fulfillment that I would usually get. It felt more like an obligation than a privilege. To my surprise, no one cared to moderate their expectations or requests. People who ask will always ask, and those who always give will always give. There comes a time when you have to start keeping count. This isn’t a count for others, it's more for yourself. Having the ability to say no after so many yeses, is incumbent on being able to refrain from resenting thoughts or feelings toward others. I’ve learned that we only get mad at others because of the expectations we hold. If your standards don’t match another person’s then you are bound to fall short at least once. It’s up to you to communicate your expectations to others. No one is a mind reader, not yet at least. You must let people know how you are and how you think, so that they can understand you and you, them.

Looking in the Mirror

In that moment of resentment and being lost in my head, I realized I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I just couldn’t do it. Seeing the face in the mirror wasn’t up to par with who I wanted to be in my mind. No matter what endeavors I had going on in real life, I was absent from myself. My hygiene began to slip, my face and breakouts were horrid. I was lazy and took longer to clean up even though I really needed to. Despite acknowledging my extrovertness, I secluded myself from others, both physically and emotionally. My pain resulted in the causation of pain in others, this was the worst thing I could do. I was in a protective mode to the utmost degree. The walls I had were higher and stronger than that of the city of Jericho. No trojan horse could elude me from my guard. There was no magic that could make these walls disappear. All these protections I had against others, seemed to keep me out as well. Going through this was some of the hardest times. At some point during this haze, I just knew I had to get better. One day, I finally looked at myself in the mirror and knew this guy had to go or nothing good would ever happen again. It wasn’t immediate. Slowly I could see change. First it was in my activities. I began to clean once something was dirty. I took my skincare more seriously. I would check in with myself and write down my thoughts more consistently and this would ease the stresses I held within myself. I could feel the walls crumble and fall brick by brick. Months down the line I was able to look myself in the eyes, and even crack a smile.

Nothing Worth Having Comes Easy

Getting to the point of having utter love for yourself is no easy feat by any means. People refrain from doing self-work because they fear what they might actually find within themselves. Your fear of yourself holds you back from ultimate self-love. When you live in that state of mind, you have super high highs and super low lows in life. Even though doing self work would be very hard, it would be much easier than continuing to lie to yourself. Some can live in this fear state, yet be aware of their desires in life. These desires are mostly material things we all think will bring us joy. They certainly do, but that joy is fleeting. Your material possessions bring joy just as fast as they bring pain. That new car looks real nice, but those new bills that come with it look real ugly. Personally, I knew I always wanted to be a homeowner. The moment I became a homeowner, is when I found out how hard the shit really was. Having to cut grass, handle any problems the house may have, and paying for everything was a shock to my soul. Yet I wouldn’t pick to rent ever again simply for the umbrella of joy I have from the sacrifices I made to be in my position. You have to put in some work to put yourself in better graces. Even in the Bible it says, ‘faith without works is dead’. You can have all the desires you want; however, you can't will something or simply manifest things into existence. There is some movement needed on your part. Curating a better reality for yourself starts by creating a better space in yourself. What are you doing or not doing that is keeping you stagnant? What do you have to tell yourself to bring you one step closer to the reality you want? Nothing worth having comes easy, if you can get it quickly you can lose it just as quickly.

The In-Between

On this journey, there is this moment where your present self is in limbo with deciding to be more like your past self or continue to strive for the future you. This in-between moment has no deadline sadly, nor is there a correct answer in each scenario. You are the moderator in your life. There is no one who can tell you if you’re doing good or bad, only you know that. Because of this, the referee within you is constantly keeping your past and future thoughts at bay long enough for you to make a decision in the present. This in-between time is not only within yourself; the world around you will begin to seem uncertain as well. Yes, this sounds scary.

One thing I can say is that the fear you feel before doing something is usually the worst part about that activity. We come up with the worst case scenarios in our head, and that case scenario usually never occurs.

When I say that the world around you seems uncertain, by this I mean, when you start to know who you are and what you like and don’t like, the things that no longer align with you will start to dissipate. This is the hard part because we never want to part ways with what we know. Friends may have to take the back burner while you figure yourself out. Family may not understand what you're going through even if you explained it to them. All the while, your circumstances will begin to align with your deepest desires, while current circumstances will fall to the waste side. It can be very contradicting but you’ll notice that even though you're distributing all this effort, the hardest part is actually letting things happen. To let things flow down the river that aren’t solid in your foundation of self.

It's Always Been You

We just went through an extensive mental and emotional journey, I’m glad you made it through. With focused desires and some elbow grease, you will begin to see what love is. Love of self and all the qualities that make you unique. The strongest type of love you could ever feel is the love you have for yourself. Looking in the mirror everyday, ecstatic to see what you’ve become. Feelings of inadequacy, hatred, or shame seem minute compared to your past self. Nothing is ever perfect, but you can always choose to see the person you want to be instead of succumbing to the tricks your mind plays on you. This self-love journey is a lifetime pursuit and possibly the most enduring and rewarding. I personally have never heard anyone doubt their time of healing and self awareness efforts. As a conscious human, you are meant to have desires and dreams. The happiness in life comes with accomplishing the tasks necessary to achieve those goals. My only goal is to plant the seeds that allow you to make the decision to always look in the mirror and love who you see.

-J