Love On The Brain...Literally

It’s a controversial topic in some regards, yet we all can relate to the positive and negative sides of one of the deepest human emotions…Love.

When we love someone there are so many things at play all happening within our brain that also influence our bodily functions. Things like sweaty palms, red cheeks, high heart rate, and the fan favorite, butterflies, all occur when we get the rush of feeling love for a person. For some, love comes faster than others, but at some point in life a special person holds that spot in your heart. This may come and go or last forever, but when it happens, we know.

There are many types of love you can feel for another person. There’s non-love, liking, infatuation, empty love, companionate, fatuous, and consummate love.The most prevalent and important to the majority of people is that of romantic love. Tons of movies, poems, and music have been written on the topic of romantic love. We refer to love as coming from our heart, but the occurrence of love actually begins in the brain. When you experience a great sense of happiness during an event, dopamine, the reward chemical in your brain, spikes tremendously. Be it from sex with a partner or getting drunk because of lack of sex with a partner, dopamine spikes in response to something great happening(your body being intoxicated is the “great something”, talk about being drunk in love).

We feel a rush of dopamine from many different events. However, the hormone called oxytocin, or the love hormone, is mainly released through acts of physical touch. Sex, hugs, holding hands, and cuddles all release oxytocin in our brain. This creates a much deeper connection, a sense of calmness and security to our partner. Oxytocin and dopamine together create the infatuation and passion that occur in the beginning of romantic love. We continuously feel the highs of love, the passion emanating from being involved with what becomes our favorite person. Love is so powerful that these hormones can literally shut down our neural pathways that help us conduct critical assessments of others. This explains the phenomenon of not being able to see red flags when we are really into someone. Love really is blind…or blinding. Surprisingly, once these feelings begin to dissolve and slow down in our brain, we begin to see all that we didn’t see before in our partner. The moment you start to realize they do something gross, or smack when they eat, is because your love isn’t gone but the rush of hormones has subsided. Once this happens you have turned more into compassionate love than romantic love.

Love is still ever present after it has changed from one type to another. That cute old couple that seems still very much in love is a great example that the types of love can ebb and flow throughout time. Those two probably don’t always LOOK like they love each other if you were to follow them around for a while. But there are many moments in a day or in a week where their romance is flowing like a river. Younger adults tend to give up on love when they don’t FEEL it everyday. Love is like any other feeling. If you felt the rush of passion all the time, it would lose the splendor that comes with it. It wouldn’t feel as great if you felt it all day everyday. Just like with pain. You may feel sore, or bruised for an extended amount of time but after a while you ultimately get used to it. So, even in those times where you may not feel love or even seem to enjoy your partner, you won’t necessarily say you don't love them anymore, because you still do despite not feeling the emotional side of love. Hopping from one person to the next looking for love is the worst way to find it. Love is built and curated over time and through effort from both parties. If you aren’t finding love, it’s because you aren't making room to create it.

As there are biological and physical differences between men and women, love is no different. We feel, think about, and act differently when we love someone. Our chemicals may be the same but they are doing very different things in combination with our more prevalent hormones. The way we exude love is different between men and women as well as within our groups. Women tend to talk more about their feelings and what has gotten them to feel that way because that actually relieves what tension they may feel in the moment. Men can talk about what’s going even though that may not do much for them. They may be looking for an action step, while women genuinely appreciate being heard. This causes many of the problems that may arise between men and women. This moment is also where we can solve that problem. Seek to understand what your partner is conveying from their perspective, comprehend it however works for you, then understand that you may not fully understand them and that it's okay that you don't. The wonder of love that exists between people is the blossoming of knowledge that is always occurring as you continually seek to know each other more deeply. You may not understand them fully today, but you have all the time in the world to get there.

Love can carry you to the highest mountains, or drag you through the lowest valleys. Understanding the science behind it may not help you configure your love problems. It can help you understand what’s going on inside you. I truly believe you have to establish some form of self love before you can love someone else. I also believe the right person can show you how to love yourself, and as your love grows for you it also grows for them. That’s beauty, and I hope you all find that in your life. If you find it and lose it, don’t get down because you can and will find it again.

-J